can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
