Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
