I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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