Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
