Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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