I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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