Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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