I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
