3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
