I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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