Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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