Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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