Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my being single is dangerous.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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