Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
