yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
