dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
