I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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