my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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