I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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