I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
