i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
