I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
