If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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