Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
