You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
