i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
