i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
