Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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