I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
