You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she smelled like a LAN party
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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