I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
