There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
