Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
