Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
