Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
