D3 body, D1 cock
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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