we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
