what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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