I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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