So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
