..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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