He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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