There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
