His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
