Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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