So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
