I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She even gives head with a lisp.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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