I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
