I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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