my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
