He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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