I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
