i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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