The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Let's get the cat blown out
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
