Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I did not marry a roomba.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
