you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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