if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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