My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
