the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
