please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
